rationalis

Not even a few good movies

2011-03-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching A Few Good Men again and shed a few tears of agonised joy again. However, while in the throes of my maudlin celebration I was reminded of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch and suddenly the levity choked. Be annoyed with Tom Cruise at all times. Check.

A Few Good Men ends with a long shot of the military courtroom and triumph of the American legal system. The courtroom is bathed in a warm glow and the benches gleam as if touched by the effulgence of truth. In that moment, it seems as if we the audience is not only meant to celebrate Tom Cruise’s victory but also the victory of the American legal system. Despite being painted as bad, we cannot ignore the might of the American military either.

Despite the sophistication of America’s superior legal or military system, it is the gleam of the courtroom that makes me envious. Why can’t we portray such a suave victory on celluloid? By suave I don’t mean the cinematography but the narrative which did a damn good job of telling a story and eliciting a strong emotional response from its audience. It is to be noted though that A Few Good Men is a good movie it is not best of the lot. Yet, the best we can do it seems is a film like Shaurya which was “inspired” by the very movie being discussed.

These thoughts are really offshoots from Girish Sahane’s article Here is everything that is wrong with Hindi cinema and why in The Caravan. To understand what ails our cinema do read it.

Drifting

2010-11-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

I have been drifting for too long now. Living the lives of others too intensely to know how to live my own. I can't now start living another person's life all over again. It's time to live my own life. To be selfish about the things I want, to focus on my pain, to learn to heal myself, and to learn to listen to myself.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2010-11-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."

- Clementine Kruczynski, played by Kate Winslet

And here's Everybody's got to learn sometime

No man's land

2010-10-25T02:03:00.000-07:00

This time around,

My croaking

Will focus on the truth

And not your heart,

Or face,

Or vulnerabilities,

Your joys or sorrows.

It's time for me

To leave no man's land.

2010-03-29T22:58:00.000-07:00

how transcendental will it to break a chronic habit of not valuing oneself enough? i guess it will be much like a slight tectonic movement at the core. something that will bring about momentous changes. look at me - i can't stop dispensing the adjectives in just contemplation of it.

but truth to tell, chronic habits are hard to break, especially if you have spent 30 years nurturing them. it's hard; hurting you at all times. that naysayer within you making it worse. nevertheless, am grateful for this perspective.

though it comes at a certain cost. the possibility of losing a dream thanks to my vague assumptions which didn't take realistic commitments into account. i let all extraneous factors sway me while what mattered the most to me got sidelined. again that chronic habit of not standing up for my needs, desires & ambitions. how good is the greater good if i can't be good to me? if i can't learn to stand up for myself then i should stop with this hypocrisy of fighting for 'what matters'.

gah! angst & more angst,
but, but ...
i am a glorious creation

2010-02-04T01:47:00.000-08:00

indians are a fixated or frustrated lot. sexually speaking that is. there can't be no other reason to the constant attention i feel subjected to in my everyday interactions. as if i were walking in my bikini on the roads of bangalore!

2010-01-19T22:42:00.000-08:00

72,000 dead in Haiti. I just can't comprehend this! This is not even the final count... people continue to die. some are still trapped under mounds of rubble. some were rescued only to later die slowly from lack of medical care. the aid that is coming through is just not enough or is hijacked by gangs. no basic amenities, no water, no food, no shelter...

at times like these, i can't help but wonder at how cruel life really is. one part of this earth is reeling from a disaster whose magnitude doesn't find any comparisons. but life everywhere else is impervious, untouched. they may be aware, but the pain is not theirs to understand. i guess it is the same of misery anywhere. none but those who suffer know what it is to go through it... Guess, the rest of us can only lend help that may alleviate their suffering somewhat...

2009-12-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

the cake of democracy

2009-11-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

a true democracy is often chaotic. it allows everyone to voice their dissidence without fear, to explore their selves without being restricted by ideologies, without feeling compelled to work for the greater good.

that said, i currently enjoy the benefits of being within a Godfatherish community of srts. my needs are taken care of, and battles are fought when "honour" is threatened. sure, i am grateful to my benefactors. yet, i am constantly on my guard. can't help but feel that there are some insidious forces at act, most of which i am unable to detect. may be its just paranoia or apathy... whatever, it sucks.

i think, i would deeply appreciate a system where support doesn't come with a price tag. where everyone is encouraged to question, because with curiosity comes creativity and innovation. the downside of so many questions is chaos. hasn't society been created to contain chaos? can then democracy in its truest sense work?

or will people with "insight" or "foresight" continue with their Machiavellian schemes for the "greater good"?

the reader

2009-02-26T23:20:00.000-08:00

'The Reader' is, perhaps, the most intense movie that i have seen in a while. Kate Winslet, RalphFiennes and David Kross deliver performances that will probably squeeze the juices off you and make you wonder about your own lives. This is the story of two lovers caught in the shame of their falliability and their inability to overcome it for most part of their lives. Redemption comes only when they decide to help each other. For plot synopsis, please go here.

what struck me real hard is the extremes that Kate Winslet's Hannah Schmidt goes to hide her illiteracy, even to accepting incarceration for life. Her sense of shame is so huge that she is unable to look outside of herself and in the process dies in her any sense of compassion. She does not think of the people who died at her hand as a Nazi guard at Aushwitz. Till the end, she remains unaware and innocent of the sorrow and destruction caused by her choices. I think this is where the tragedy of our every day life lies. How many of us harbour this kind of heedless, selfish pain that is so encompassing that it ruins the people we love or love us. She loves David Kross' 15 year old Michael Berg and his reading (of books). But her neurotic shame does not allow her to see Michael as a human with his own needs and pain.

does true empancipation come through awareness and acceptance of one's self? am not sure. but there is absolution in this movie which is a relief. otherwise, i would have wound myself into some kind of a dysfunctional vortex.

anyways, must watch.

to sri ram sene who have with their cocks in their mouth. also, to those who are angry about all that's happening

2009-02-11T01:02:00.000-08:00

am angry & am unable to sleep at night. who gave the sri ram sene the right to beat up women and ban valentine's day. i really didn't care about valentine's or pubbing. but now i will. can't keep quiet any more.
a plea to anyone & all to have a blast on valentine's. go to a pub, drink & be immoral.

2009-02-11T01:00:00.000-08:00

The witch-hunt against First Global

The Pink Chaddi Campaign

2009-02-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

james kochalka sums up my day perfectly

2009-01-28T04:19:00.000-08:00

more james kochalka

satiated?

2008-11-28T21:32:00.000-08:00

seeds of yet another partition?

2008-11-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

while with a few friends and colleagues at lunch today, somebody asked, "what about the hindu terrorists? do you believe in them?" my immediate reaction was to shy away from the topic. as a rule, i never discuss religion with anyone. friends & family included. do i believe? sure, i do. in an almighty god who made us all humans equal. but ask me about my faith, then i'll tell you that am a christian by birth alone. for all other reasons, am a believer, a child of this earth.

still, what got me thinking was the emotion behind that question. despite my best intentions, i have been suspect to that emotion as well. the same emotion, which history and recent events have proved time and again, as the worst possible ignitor of many crimes against humanity.

are we, then, by harbouring such emotions, endangering humanity? by logic, yes. but, perhaps, that's taking it too far. so, let's look at these emotions, these fears and doubts. we can probably justify them by pointing to certain 'facts' and, therefore, our prejudices against people of certain faiths. but let me ask you, are you ABSOLUTELY sure of the fact? is it the COMPLETE truth? do you have data to prove it? have you personally spoken to the perpetrators of the crimes (you fear)? have you spoken to the community that was targeted? or the ones you support? if not, then let me tell you, that you believe only in half truths. and even if you had done all of the above, i would still tell you, it's half a truth. it can't be the whole truth without a deeper understanding of the community's or the region's history, economics, culture or food. including it's favourite dance type or most popular lake... what am trying to point to here is, that unless you are able to conduct a research dispassionately, you may never know the complete truth of certain things.

however, neither are most of us scholars nor do we have the luxury of spending our time studying/researching only. should we then, remain opinionless, and ignore what's being said, repeated & feared around us? not really. what we need to do is to shed our prejudices. to start looking into ourselves, and see if we really are the person we think ourselves to be. also, it is THE TIME, to believe in humanity. please, let's not discuss who a terrorist is. for that, you don't need to look too far. look into your own self and you'll find a terrorist there. there are terrorists everywhere. all sorts of people are terrorists. there are christian terrorists, hindu, muslim, sikh, parsi... you don't need religion to define a terrorist.

india today bleeds from communal violence, divided factions and a majority (of us) who sit the fence. what we need are not debates based on half-truths that will tear us apart further. we also don't need to take out morchas or start a ngo or sloganeer (you can if you want to though). what we need is to get rid of our prejudices and treat everyone around us as an equal. especially in our hearts and minds. only then can we reach out to people around us with the message of love and unity.

now is really the time, to decide where we stand. with humanity. or with fear.

(comments are welcome)

james kochalka's american elf

2008-11-13T04:00:00.001-08:00

2008-11-12T01:06:00.000-08:00

north pole with no ice

ಎಕ್ಷೆಕುತಿಒನ, yue minjun

2008-11-03T05:19:00.000-08:00

2008-10-21T05:48:00.001-07:00

brilliantly happy day

2008-10-13T03:59:00.000-07:00

zanskar trek - darcha to padum

2008-10-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

new methods of trapping solar energy

2008-10-10T05:12:00.000-07:00

a california based company, Solyndra, has designed completely new PV (photo voltaic) systems that come as very efficient alternatives to the currently used solar panels. what's extremely interesting abt this system is that it uses cylindrical modules instead of flat ones which can convert direct, diffused & reflected sunlight into electricity from any direction. the installation is very easy as well. meaning little or no installation costs.

How to become a well-dressed REBEL in 30 days

2008-10-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

GQ magazine's campaign. It is old news - commodification of rebellion. Such malapropisms have a singular agenda - kill uncomfortable questions by bringing them under the umbrella of economic gratification. How then are we to, in the words of Peter Clemenza, "clean out the bad blood"?

2008-10-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

Shakuntala Narasimhan is her usual lucid, acerbic self with insights on consumer behaviour & the importance of retail politics. Eco-friendly organic undies?

2008-10-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

Arundhati Roy on India & Kashmir

2008-10-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

the veins glow, blue, red,
waiting for the spring, a flash,
that could erase the bleak sky,
in it i saw an image, a flashback,
of million swears hurled at me,
a lout, a 'whore', 'not the right thing',
but as it streamed its way, synapses
fired, a canon struck a hole in my heart,
its shards mirroring my dwarfed self.

a well summarised talk on sustainability

2008-10-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

zanskar trek & ensuing disorientation

2008-10-05T23:14:00.000-07:00

There’s something about blurring the lines of oneself in all forms of expression. In the lift of the eyebrows, the yes’ and may be’s, the half bemused and unconvinced expressions…it’s a commitment to ambiguity and to a half-deluded sense of security. All a waste of energy and time... in trying to sustain facades, because until there’s clarity there’s no sense of freedom. Until then there’s no emergence from chrysalis. Imagine what the pupa lost out on… the glorious freedom of a butterfly that discovered and re-discovered old paths, science and beauty.

***

I came back from the mountains half dazed and unwilling. Like I broke up with an old love. But what have I got that could talk of my love? Only eight days spent agonising about the bareness, cold and exhaustion while on a trek in the Zanskar valleys. I can’t describe those days. Words won’t suffice. Enough to say, it was hell. The hell of an enchantress one arrogantly assumed to win over, only to come back having paid a terrible price. The price of realising, truly realising, because one lived it, of how alone we are? I dunno… am unable to describe what I realised. But it’s in my bones now, in my detachment and my calmness. No, no, I didn’t attain enlightenment. Am as crappy as ever. But my crappiness doesn’t seem to bother me much now. Nor does anybody else’s… so what is it? Not sure still. But I want to head back to those mountains soon… I want to know more. Those sirens, they have started singing in my head and everything else is plain. So plain, tuneless and monochromatic.

***

Been watching some good cinema lately and attempting to organise my favourites. Godfather and The Dark Knight are high on my list. Both boast of brilliant performances, strong storylines and beautiful dialogues. But what I enjoyed greatly about both movies are that they don't have trite moments or parts that the director felt compelled to fill in with inane romances or sex or skin show. It’s a smooth narration of life of some very ordinary men who are strikingly different because they don't make choices that most people do. It’s art to make the inane entertaining, invigorating and fodder for thought.
Organisation of favourites is still on.

"Strange travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."

2008-08-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

that's from Kurt Vonnegut Jr; & here are excellent dancing perspectives from Ethical Traveler, a non-divine entity, which is, nevertheless, letting us know how not to be a crappy human while travelling.
Thirteen tips for the accidental ambassador

biofuels & food crisis

2008-07-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

india's first ever biofuel policy is being drafted. as expected, it seems motivated for 'economic' reasons while being waved as an effort towards climate change. cultivating land for biofuels instead of food crops is one big reason for the food crisis that has been in the news lately. it's important for the central govt. to involve environment specialists in such policy makings instead of being pressured by talks with the US.
tehelka reports.
economist also has its say.

waving the pee pee

2008-07-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

i dislike postmortems and comparing answers. and i have always let go of my friends easily, much to my regret later. yet it seems, i can't help but indulge in both - postmortems or losing friends. yes, another friend had enough of my uneasy involvement. funnily, i was wondering when she would up and set me to her invectives. which she did, quite cruelly. 'who cares what i realy want'... to give her credit, none will care enough to get me what i really want. but there are a few who care about what i really want. well, coming back to my 'whatever' train of thought/catharsis/self-delusion/rationalisation, am sorry for being me. flaky about friendships & promises. but am tired of apologising to everyone (not that my friend wanted it. she told me to 'pls cut it') about my choices, about what i want... this is it. this is who i am...
incidentally, found a nuggy in tehelka - apparently p.g.wodehouse said -
“It is a good rule in life never to apologise. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.”

by the door

2008-07-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

stood by the door, an eel, an octopus,
smiling faces, a facade of commitment,
longing still, the blue called, night fell
too quickly. Feel fear, feel pain,
want love, love love, the man,
stoic face, a closed door, splinters,
wanting to run, holding on, clamps.
to be free. to be free.

saferindia.com

2008-06-30T20:06:00.000-07:00

the irrepressible kiran bedi has started a website called Safer India as part of her India Vision Foundation. it connects citizens to the police specifically those whose complaints are being ignored.

TIDE - technology informatic design endeavour

2008-06-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

a bangalore based ngo that 'looks at various technological interventions that promote sustainable development and empowers needy communities' (Deccan Herald, Spectrum, 01 July 2008).

are there more of such companies/ngo's in bangalore?

2008-06-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

The girl effect

world environment day 2008

2008-06-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

CO2: Kick the Habit - that's the international slogan for this year.
after long, here's something from my portal worth publishing here -
Great Ideas for Climate Change

2008-05-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

last month was pretty intense:

racial remarks, which i admit bordered on the grey. made a noise about it but what it really did was expose people who have made a name for themselves for standing up for the truth. seems like they stood up mostly for their gains & ambitions. nothing novel about it.

loss of work satisfaction. am waiting to quit. may not be possible for a while unless something more exciting comes along.

other projects on...

Emmanuel Jal - Warchild

2008-05-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

2008-04-09T02:25:00.001-07:00

i desperately need to start disorganizing my life. too much control. am not able to do a skip of dimension.

listening to -janis joplin & morrison. it's the bohemia, truth-toted brigade who prob happier dead

2008-03-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

this life - a dream, a nightmare,
like an undulating mirage,
in this barren landscape of
dying hearts, pain blurred eyes,
is there hope alive still?
are we the living dead?

rain poem

2008-03-27T00:29:00.000-07:00

Drrr drrrr, DRRNG DRRng, drrrrr, drrr, DRRNG,
A lonesome Yamaha engine roared into a thundering night,
Of steady patters on muddy paths, and a luminous murky sky,
There’s wind through window, silhouette light on naked calf
Lying arrogantly assured, as pitter patter went rainy dark.
Are we lonely tonight - hear silence of constantly battered puddles
Mimicking the earth groans, each answering rhythm
Playing an old story; like farce, guileless viva of three year olds.

2008-03-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

the thing with arguing emotionally is that it completely messes up perspective n one simply doesn't know what's right & not. even if one resorts to silence it's called stonewalling. not all times can one deal with mess ups with maturity. one wants to be a piss-off immature kid now n then, and so be it. let others act grown up for a change.

the moldy peaches - anyone else but you

2008-03-24T02:05:00.000-07:00

from the soundtrack of "Juno"

2008-03-20T02:03:00.000-07:00

roberta flack - makes music as if making love eyes closed

boss

2008-03-19T02:49:00.001-07:00

the boss' songs of average people n everyday living haven't changed much in the last 3 decades. unlike his contemporaries, he didn't cash in on struggle as the leitmotif to only glam up with chaddi girls. it's not so much abt remainin true but of persevering n remainin real. this world ain't abt celebs in their bras n diamond studded chaddis or their x-rated videos "accidentally" exposed on the web or e-size boobs. it's abt loneliness, struggle, livin, lying, manipulating ... of living as intensely as possible.

on the arty side, if you want to study light n its effects for camera, look up bruce's "long walk home" video. it's as if light has been personified by the song. distinct black n light hues blend with greys, warm browns. low exposure, production n post production mainly responsible. however, the cameraman has done a briliant job with lightin up bruce's face. the darkish tones talk brilliantly to the lyrics while bruce's intense face n playing complete the pic. the song is among his best while the video looks like an intelligent effort. not loaded with attitude-coz-it-sells gyrations to "under my umbrella". what does that song mean anyways.

which reminds me of one praise for "juno". time in it's 10 ideas that will change the world talks abt how movies/entertainment will no longer be abt star-power. duh. one example was juno n how it was the "attitude n story" which sold the movie. attitude? perhaps it defines the powerful dialogues. but can we move away from defining everything - commerce, economics to shoes n teeth to "attitude"! let's be a bit more inventive. let's say - "spunkapacitated living".

masinaguddi, ooty

2008-03-10T12:35:00.001-07:00

2008-03-07T06:11:00.000-08:00

reprised

2008-03-04T12:27:00.000-08:00

it's true. it's better to be struggling than claiming to be one.

aliyeh and her kids

2008-03-04T11:07:00.000-08:00

she would be there with her gang of girls or other kids whom she managed like a pro. jumping over little mounds of grass and stones... or swinging the kids to her pace. aliyeh was spunky. she could talk to any one. and her head of wild curls tamed everyone but her hair. not that she gave a damn i think. the rest of the kids hung around her like groupies except for one truculent boy who refused to even jig to a guitar finely strung to cash's ring of fire. she was wild and i feared for her. for her free, vulnerable spirit. vulnerable to the frustrations of a cynical world of egos and desperate sexualities. i got drunk, sat by a weely smoke and cried like a baby, and my man never forgot my moment of darkness. such is this heart that sees more than it should.

dance bars & night bans

2008-03-01T21:20:00.000-08:00

dreamed of chipped, black heeled slipons and old dames, while a friend drew sepia-vintage images of devika rani getting out of leons on commercial street with heavy make-up on. made me wonder about the dance bars and what happened to those women who lost their sugar daddies to grey hair and wrinkles.
the ban on dance bars seems a bit ridiculous. this trade will always exist and has always done so...
ban on dance floors? bangalore's urban space is crowded with partiers and most now have to think twice abt shakin their legs to music. even while sitting at their table. there shd be enough spaces for all types of people.
11:30 pm closure on nightlife is still a party pooper. but after long, am thinking it makes sense. this is a city of not only the young and hip wanting to party the night away. it is a city of anxious parents, wives and children. while there cant be a one thing that caters to all, the 11:30 ban just pushes people to continue partying within the safe confines of their homes. works.

her pic will star-spangle my ass soon

2008-02-27T23:22:00.000-08:00

diablo cody - finally, someone in hollywood worth listening to...

her writing is belligerently symbolic. reminds me of finnyforever. here's some bits from cody's blog -
"This city-- this city's heart was torn out a couple of years ago. It was drowned, defiled, vivisected. But I can tell you that God still lives here. I walked the streets yesterday evening and I felt it where I always feel it, in the bark of my bones, in the wing-nuts of my ankles. That curious lifting."

"wing-nuts & bark of my bones" - lightening strikes my nether regions every time i read that. ok, i sound like a dumb fan. whatever. it's orgasmic even if i wanted to skin her.

cousin bro's wedding

2008-02-26T01:15:00.000-08:00

2007-12-09T08:46:00.000-08:00

sometimes one thinks one has never owned anything
most times there's anger so intense, its there all the time
always there's the yearning to be loved, like one dreams of
and deep within is a sadness that nothing can erase

------
fiction

when did anger rule my heart at all times? why is constant feeling of being shortchanged? even the slightest slight is taken to heart & analyzed for meanings that never existed. such is this sour life...

Twenty-four years - Dylan Thomas

2007-11-28T22:53:00.000-08:00

Twenty-four years remind the tears of my eyes.
(Bury the dead for fear that they walk to the grave in labour.)
In the groin of the natural doorway I crouched like a tailor
Sewing a shroud for a journey
By the light of the meat-eating sun.
Dressed to die, the sensual strut begun,
With my red veins full of money,
In the final direction of the elementary town
I advance for as long as forever is.

2007-11-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

self-pity. another obfuscation

proscenium

2007-11-25T21:25:00.000-08:00

floundering, spiffy me,
vainly gain to hide
these desires, love,
ambition; while all
dear dirges quietly.
blinded still, am
starstruck, frustrated,
caught in the proscenium
of my mind.

2007-11-19T23:50:00.000-08:00

what is the art of writing a story? does it originate from the heart of the writer's ego? or from the egos of its characters? can it ever elude the writer's bias & instead delve into the truth?

2007-11-17T19:31:00.000-08:00

2007-11-06T02:17:00.001-08:00

an invisible man with huge thighs, one diseased ball & small feet whose chaddis fell off.

conformity whores & skirts

2007-10-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

the paralyzing power of cliches is that it undermines creative thought or even the state of rebellion. ironically it most often shows up when called upon to represent individuality. it seems the effort is to soften the blow and to assure conformity. it has unfurled its bland, squib banner at work today parce quo les biggies visiting work & its interesting to note how the sartorial preferences of people has taken the zebra effect. black n white probably down to the undies & french manicure. power dressing. even a white sticker with black letterings of my name has been given to me. can i stick it to my forehead? i have intense dislikes for stickers/nameplates/entry stamps that need to be made on different parts of my anatomy. here's one time am not gonna give a rat's arse n shoot the messenger. unfortunately i feel my own power undermined & regret wearing this black formal skirt today. wish i was in my dirty jeans & a pleasant top. nothing over the top. just enough to give people a vague itch. am trying to work my way around this i-conform skirt of mine. perhaps i can create a lull of security & wham! bang when least expected.
well i flatter myself & like all megalomaniacs give more credit to my existence. i have rebelled before but never have i been so self-conscious. it defeats one you know. really it does. i wont be able to believe my own ears if the issue was smaller than how cool i looked when shooting down a biggie. ha! i'll wait n listen.

death at a funeral

2007-10-24T02:22:00.000-07:00

it's castle blandings and jaane bhi do yaaro. an absolute riot.

letter to a to-be-married

2007-10-23T04:49:00.000-07:00

dear to-be-married,

since i find myself in a state of uncertainty over an impending season of marriages (cousins, friends, classmates) & my continued non-married status (much to the dismay of my mum who attributes all ills to this), i'll resist from exhibiting extreme enthusiasm. but am happy for you especially for having stayed with a man this long (six yrs). i view any relationship surviving the year mark as a miracle, so yours and those of others seem like catatonia.. kidding. i recently survived the one year mark & so great was my stress over it that i almost had a nervous breakdown. i found it difficult even to say 'happy anniversary'. words of endearment/affection at the end of my stilted 'happy anniversary' wish froze. my face must have been a laugh not knowing if it needs to express happiness or insouciance or terror. the man's no gentleman but he's less twisted than me which gives him enough insight to let go of this lack of 'maturity'.
nevertheless, it will be great to meet you guys. your wedding date reminder stands magnetized on my fridge. see you there.

ciao

love/crush/that-inspired-i-belong-to-u at 1st sight

2007-10-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

it takes to be inspired completely to fall in love immediately. you can't describe it. it just happens & you make that immediate decision to be a part of whatever that inspired you. you don't think twice & you never regret it. you were always meant to be part of that inspiration. that's precisely how i felt when i read this name - michael franti and spearhead. may be i had heard that name before. i dunno. but my heart skipped a beat. all i did was to listen to a track & i was hooked.
never believed in love at first sight. but it's possible. it's possible. a song, an ear ring, a cloud, a flower... 'the world's FULL of f***ing inspiration!' ... and i mean it

here's an amg review of michael franti's latest Yell Fire!
Michael Franti's worldview and his music are so tightly entangled that it's difficult to imagine one existing without the other. So none of his fans could have been all that surprised when Franti returned from a 2004 trip to war-torn regions of Iraq, Israel, and Palestine and subsequently released both I Know I'm Not Alone, a documentary film/DVD based on his travels, and Yell Fire!, his most socially conscious album to date. read more
here some of his music on youtube

-----

of course, now i have a distinct hanging ur balls out thot in my head...

on how to become a ghost

2007-10-13T05:41:00.000-07:00

mirror, mirror in my hall
who is ghostliest of them all?
why, 'tis you, my doll
pretending to be real
you got a gall

--and there ends the worst rhyme of this fall

expectations - they seem perfectly justified until the object of expectation turns around n talks abt their perfectly justified expectations. you then know not whom to kick n by hesitating u hav kicked urself. u make peace with ur lowered expectations n believe they r for real. the day will come when u hav exhausted ur expectations in tryin to meet someone else's n then on a breezy, sunny day u'll look into le mirror n scream. u don't see any reflections. u hav become a ghost

whoever said expectations are death of a relationship deserves a painful kick

2007-10-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

sergei sergeyvich prokofiev - russian composer. famous for his compositions for romeo & juliet. listen here

end up reading a book twice mainly because i missed all the background & quirks. the destiny of the characters would have fascinated me more. pity, coz the art of the language goes unregistered. vikram seth's an equal music is one. will get back to it soon. but he is, without a doubt, the most lyrical novelist ever. even toni morrison pales.

albums

2007-10-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

thot these were good. springsteen & fogerty are brilliant as usual -

bruce springsteen's Magic
john fogerty's Revival
matchbox twenty's Exile in Mainstream

revival

2007-10-04T04:45:00.000-07:00

as kids, swingy numbers played on poorly tuned recorders & trumpets, loud drums, got us jiggin. the musicians burnt by the mangalore sun played on dressed in worn, blue, buggy uniforms. there was no attitude there, not even art. they played. people enjoyed it. everyone was taking a break. from the heat. from makin a living. from the red earth that reflected the sun painfully. and from the endless summer.
women with crackin skins & plastered cuticura dressed in heavy silks ignoring the heat. perfumes bought by sons from the gulf reeking in the hot, unbearably tight air. us kids, scruffy, despite the agitated cleaning of our mums...
listenin to john fogerty makes me remember those days. hot summers spent on the island of fun & the metaphors it gave for reminiscence.

2007-09-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

am not an arsehole. am not gonna be one. and i definitely don't chase two rabbits at the same time. i don't like rabbits. never liked them. don't even like them as stew.

more on disengagement

2007-08-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

i have always been convinced about the existence of an absolute truth. its existence is not a moral concept. rather like numbers, it is an abstract one. there's nothing right or wrong abt it. nor is there a good & bad. it just is in a state of complete neutrality and simplicity. and it powers everything.
am of the opinion there's only an impediment or empowerment of it that lies in our hands. impediment means to over time to break down. empowerment leads to both greater awareness & deeper disassociation.

2007-08-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

widowed

***

incidentally am not looking for approval from any quarter. lemme be & i'll let you.

***
listening to -
tegan and sarah. alternative music. these twins sing as if every thing about life was made into a song. best thing is that you did want to sing along. that's great right. no jim morrison like dwelling in the other world. it's folkish without a banjo. good stuff.

john vanderslice & the slip.

social graphs

2007-08-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

user-generated content. everyone's talkin about it. it's the thing now etc. my problem with 'the thing now' is that limits the range of innovation. i thought this article Thoughts on the Social Graph gave a different point of view but it's still not there.

elvis & lisa presley

2007-08-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

innovate or leverage innovation?

2007-08-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

what is the purpose of innovation? to just create or to create something that's useful to humanity? i am driven by the need to look into the future and to figure out what's the next big thing. what are people looking for? are they getting what they are looking for? how easy or how difficult is it? is it a good idea to cater to the masses or should we take risks to create the next big thing? and most importantly, how important is to want to be with the winning side always?
and all i see is this image of a hardcore exec, dressed formally and a cold expression in her eyes.

to play it by the ear

2007-08-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

woke up this morn with a distinct bad-head-day feeling. you know the one that comes along with a hangover. soon as i started on the note of how everything so far had gone wrong, the method of disassociation popped in my head. and the feeling was of floating in a blue realm. skies exactly. sitting on a fluffy cloud & contemplating the mortals beneath. specifically me.
and the absolute irony of it all struck me. really this life on earth is like one big experiment. you know like the experimentations in trying to snort while drinking water. something like that. and for the life of me i couldn't understand why i had taken everything so seriously until then. since it's all an experiment without hypothesis (if there's one i don't know & couldn't care less to know), I might as well continue with my explorations without a care. well, of course the results matter. you know, i really wouldn't want to stare in the face of a mutant amoeba coz i couldn't care less. you get my drift right? just that, there's a bigger need to remain unaffected by our situations. it will all change.
only thing that matters is to have fun.

2007-08-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

am seriously upset with people who don't know me judging what i do & don't. and most often these are people who mean something to me which is why i am upset in the first place. but like i was discussing with my ex-boss, i will disassociate such people and opinions and get on with my life. doing exactly what i want & will.

'be cool'

2007-08-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

lost my cool with a security of the food court in our tech park. apparently outside food is not allowed. we thot since others in our group are getting it from the food court it wouldn't matter much. but this lady walky-talky & uniform in tow comes along and demands we clear the premises, home food & all. i say alright but i have started with my food. can i at least finish it. not only does she say no but goes on a tirade of how others will follow suit etc. i lost it. i told her that i would go but she better get going too. "now"... i didn't want security escort out of the food mall.

my only regret is of having lost my cool. but lately, i have been finding it hard to hold my temper in view of such idiotic applications of stupid rules. like yday at the club a totally unconcerned official asks us to show identification of our temp membership. we have a swimming admit. who the f*** is he when our coach & the swimming security has cleared us?

or am i exaggerating my reactions to these actions of official stupidity? dunno but i need to get a hold on my rather quick temper. coz such 'incidents' will repeat.

2007-08-04T06:24:00.000-07:00

to master one's own emotions is bloody difficult. to get out of habitual procrastination is even worse.

fur: an imaginary portrait of diane arbus

2007-07-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

di-ann arbus, as she's supposed to have preferred to be called, is one of the most prominent photographers of the 1950s. primarily said to have gained popularity for photographing the 'freaks' of society. in 2006, steven shainberg made a film called 'fur: an imaginary portrait of diane arbus'. the movie seems to travel in an exotic world filled with the whispers of nicole kidman. was she the real diane arbus? as the title claims it was an imaginary portrait.
the problem with such movies is that they glamorize the artist' mind. as if the repressed voyeurism & selfishness of the larger part of humanity found itself expressed and forgiven through the art of the artist. perhaps it is true. but when a movie glamorizes it and makes it the only dimension of the artist then it deludes itself and the people. it creates an yearning in the people to live the life of an artist. there's no such thing of reparation or redemption because of one's profession or passion. everyone goes through a complexity of emotions/actions/choices/decisions that can never be fulled defined or explained. least of all by a movie like fur. especially about an artist who preferred to document the lives of those who lived on the fringes of society.

from kiran nagarkar's cuckold

2007-07-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

if one should be bold enough to make strong decisions and take actions accordingly, then one should have the ruthlessness to follow it through. one cannot through the course of the consequences let emotions creep in and lose face or heart. meet everything head on and harden yourself to do what it takes to reach your goals.
reading kiran nagarkar's cuckold and it's a pretty insightful book. commentary on statesmanship mostly occupies the debate in the book. still it's interesting to read into the dilemmas faced by maharaja kumar, the protagonist.

Bird calls

2007-07-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

interesting site. gives the call sounds of different indian birds -
IndiaBirds.com

2007-07-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

thanks to a friend I haven't spoken in ages but continue to get bits of deep perspectives that make me stop for a moment - asha. here's what she sent me today.

"....In simple terms, what does karma mean? It means that whatever we do, with our body, speech, or mind, will have a corresponding result. Each action, even the smallest, is pregnant with its consequences. Even a little poison can cause death and even a tiny seed can become a huge tree.

....As Buddha said, "What you are is what you have been, what you will be is what you do now."

The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. Page 96.
Sogyal Rinpoche

in the soup

2007-06-29T06:22:00.000-07:00

Review in NYT

the intensity of freedom

2007-06-29T06:13:00.000-07:00

the feeling of being alone is extremely intense. so intense that it scorches. yet it is the intensity of being free to live life on your own terms. to see life through your own eyes. and when this desire sets in everything else fades away. the focus is all and everything on re-inventing the world around. and in this narcissistic, self-absorbed endeavor love, bonds and friends are forgotten.
the panic is only when the absorbed, solitary inventor gave into the world. and was clueless about its ways. in an effort to understand, she made inroads to the death of her own soul. she is to be lost. always.

over the frenzy of a fone

2007-06-29T04:17:00.000-07:00

after all the blogs & articles I read, thought this video gave the best brief introduction to apple's iphone. quite funny actually.

Rodrigo Y Gabriela's 'Diablo Rojo'

2007-06-29T03:25:00.000-07:00

pretty cool guitar playing.. you can check out more of their videos on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KBgg-hrtyo&mode=related&search=

Entrepreneurial Motivation Quiz

2007-06-19T05:05:00.000-07:00

questionnaires are like astrological forecasts. cause of great curiosity and reluctant beliefs. the entrepreneurial motivation questionnaire from the Wall Street Journal quantifies your motivational factors in three areas - Achievement, Affiliation & Power. Would be interesting to check it out. I scored 61 on Achievement, 38 on Affiliation & 33 on Power. I would say it's about right.

poems written a long time ago...

2007-06-14T23:03:00.000-07:00

Stuff of the moment…
Betwixt the souls of reality
The eye of the tiger shines

To Time the casual jester
We asked - Why put
A Love Wreath on our hearts?

You whose legs floating
In the river of peace
Pointed to heaven and screamed
‘Give me my sorrow’s due’
Whither have you left
Leaving me the ghost memories.

Silver afternoons
A red poem on the wings of my butterfly memories
I sang. To you my dream-a-too lover,
My Thunderbird silly smiler,
Snickers sharer, Beautiful Mind defender,
Ridiculously yet you vanish saying
“Pss… but I like you…”,
Innocent eyes on silver afternoons.

To the Gods with feet of Clay
Why did you relieve my heart with your presence?
Give me the inspiration to dream
Show me a path to follow
Fill me with hope of a better tomorrow
And a need to be like you
When you had feet of clay.

The Hope of Deliverance
When the dreams of tomorrow die
Like a withered gnarled tree
And sorrows continue their keening
How will I spy me in the Mirror?
For the talons of a broken heart
Scale the smiles of my eyes
They break between the sighs
And strangle the hopeful voice
When do I see within the palms of time
The day of my deliverance due?

The Song of Silence
Upon those aquamarine blues
They sang to me in silence.
They - the pack of soulful terrors.
And whilst my heart passion-raced
They disappeared into the night
Leaving footprints in my mind’s gaze.

Inebriated on life
In this frivolous trivial world
Whither will we fly lil bird?
Under the bright blue sky
Roam into the corners of eternity
Sigh at the intensity of the splendous lines
Twirl within the spaces of our minds
Waltz on the undulating waves of time
Stare at the autumn vibrant butterfly
Toe onto the vertigo of infinity
Seek if for a moment to be blown
To die, to annihilate ourselves
Phoenix-like rise again and smile
Hold hands and walk on dusk-dappled beaches
Weeping within ourselves
And singing the life-song.

on the art of keeping calm

2007-06-11T05:32:00.001-07:00

i start the day today feeling supremely calm and happy, and as the day progresses i feel that perhaps one day will go by without me getting upset. and bang.

i am told not to take things personally. honestly, i don't really understand what that means. i think it means to reach a stage where you won't feel bad doing/saying something that will not affect you even if you are on the receiving end. thing is i don't do/say such things. and very seriously i don't want to be subjected to the same.

in my case, it's bcoz of banging my head against a lethargic system that doesn't really know how to reward its performers. add to that my innate laid back-ness. not a great formula.

still i feel that there's a better way/method of coping. i don't want to get upset/stressed about things i can't do much about. but then when one wants to change the system/process there is a way right? i think i should focus my energies on immediate gains. keep taking those small steps.

however, the art of keeping calm demands that one lets go. forget it. there will be a time to strike. until then keep one's mind clear and focussed. build up one's case. keep collecting those minor evidences. then when one has one's case well researched, strike. strike so hard that the foe falls dead. then work slowly towards burying them/it.

google's search engine

2007-06-04T02:20:00.000-07:00

a good article in The NYT on google's search algorithm. a must read for those who are interested in knowing how the google search engine works.

Google Keeps Tweaking Its Search Engine

here's my quick summary:

a. google's impressive tracking system traverses through all of internet's web pages and indexes them. they, therefore, know exactly where, what kind of information is available
b. Signals, as google calls them, 'involves more than 200 types of information' which rank web pages
c. These signals in turn feed Classifiers - formulae that infer about the 'type of search' from the search terms
d. these classifiers & signals in turn measure the relevancy of a web page. the more the diversity on the page in terms of content, the better its rating

2007-06-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

no one should ever play the second fiddle to someone else or something else. we are all fantastic people and we should never lose sight of that fact. if we can't be important enough then it's time to take stock of things.

HBO's The Addiction Project

2007-05-30T02:30:00.000-07:00

Am not particularly inclined to promote any major network's TV series or docu series in this case, but HBO's The Addiction Project is worth checking out. I think its a fantastic effort to collate necessary data at one spot and give people a good insight into addiction. The docus are all available online and if you have a broadband connection, the streaming is largely uninterrupted.

HBO's The Addiction Project main page
The Addiction Project Films

the making of a cliche

2007-05-29T02:05:00.000-07:00

the end of fairy tales
-from Time, May 21 2007 edition

this is a classic case of 'if you can't beat them then join them.'So how does the right wing rope in the left? endorse their views & commodify them. satires shouldn't become formulae. they need to stand on a distinct voice of reason and combine humor to take on the institutions/persons they wish to criticize. instead the sudden splurge of satires & parodies seem to be filling up the coffers of already very rich producers. we have the breaking of cliche becoming a cliche itself.

but is it possible to sustain a world that has distinct voices? that's a question purely from the economics POV. a romantic would say of course. a realist could say - why not. and really why not? it is already a world of distinct voices. except for the greater comfort or good or whatever people like to stupefy themselves with, distinct voices give way to dominant ones.

we need more of alexander pope, south park, aristophanes to defy the increasingly idiotizing world.

masinaguddi & the human stain

2007-05-27T23:18:00.001-07:00

spent a relaxing weekend a few weeks ago in bear mountain resort, masinaguddi. had a super time. the wilderness does that to me. some day am gonna pack up, leave everything behind and lead a life of seclusion. lol...

which reminds me of philip roth's slow burning novel the human stain and its comment on sexual seclusion. struck me as really a comment on life...

"I want to make clear that it wasn't impotence that led me into a reclusive existence. To the contrary. I'd already been living and writing for some eighteen months in my two-room cabin up here in the Berkshires when, following a routine physical exam, I received a preliminary diagnosis of prostate cancer and, a month later, after the follow-up tests, went to Boston for the prostatectomy. My point is that by moving here I had altered deliberately my relationship to the sexual caterwaul, and not because the exhortations or, for that matter, my erections had been effectively weakened by time, but because I couldn't meet the costs of its clamoring anymore, could no longer marshal the wit, the strength, the patience, the illusion, the irony, the ardor, the egoism, the resilience—or the toughness, or the shrewdness, or the falseness, the dissembling, the dual being, the erotic professionalism—to deal with its array of misleading and contradictory meanings. As a result, I was able to lessen a little my postoperative shock at the prospect of permanent impotence by remembering that all the surgery had done was to make me hold to a renunciation to which I had already voluntarily submitted. The operation did no more than to enforce with finality a decision I'd come to on my own, under the pressure of a lifelong experience of entanglements but in a time of full, vigorous, and restless potency, when the venturesome masculine mania to repeat the act—repeat it and repeat it and repeat it—remained undeterred by physiological problems."

to spoil the game

2007-05-23T00:23:00.000-07:00

you don't need to be true to yourself to be successful. all you need to be is an ass-kissing, bullshitting smartass. you'll get there. oh also yeah pretend that nobody can see through your games. smile in reply to smirks. force yourself on people who don't give a rat's ass for your charm. it's a great life. when you become famous everyone will forget the royal pain in the ass you were except your manager. he or she never cared to remember. you were good at bullshitting.

foresee a great year for humor.

first achievement - smeared a lil black dot on the staged Q&A. happy me.

a constant quitter

2007-05-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

it's surprising how something so enormous as quitting could be the theme of one's life and one could still be very oblivious to it. but it is possible. our lives are not grand and so are all those things we quit. but then when it becomes chronic you know it's time to sit up and examine.

quitting is primarily due to the lack of a belief. that something one has set their minds on will work. but then the human race is filled with stories of people who have stuck through the rough times and come out winning. yet why does one give up so easily? or wants to give up? and how many times has one looked back and regret those quittings. 'if only i had roughed out that terrible phase, i would have been happier...'

the truth is quitters give up easily coz they lack belief in themselves. that they can deal with it. perhaps their life patterns has been such that they were given up on easily or they just weren't reinforced enough or weren't given the assurance of who they were as kids or who knows... the excuses can run into zillions.

truth is we can. that's why the human race is so amazing. that is why we are capable of miracles. we can take the pain of being unsure, insecure and down right infra-digs and still come out fine. even winning.

lah-di-dah

2007-05-21T01:21:00.000-07:00

someone sometime back asked me what's lah-di-dah and I didn't come up with a convincing answer. though i did have a fair idea and knew that i can't stand any uppity actions or attitudes. lah-di-dah incorporates this sense of superiority which tells the other people here's someone who is like fine wine and therefore should be accorded all things in life that measure to that fine wine. you can see it in the way they walk, talk and also pick their tea cups for a sip.

they think they just deserve things better and superior than others bcoz they 'are' superior. they don't understand in this world nobody gives a fuck shit. you got it, then prove it & earn it. so when in their real world, their lah-di-dah attitudes are met with amusement, they develop certain defense mechanisms and as a result play some interesting games. the more twisted, the better are their games.

it's actually the total lack of reality is what bothers me. it's hard enough to understand what's real. then you come across some fucked-up idiot pretending to be fine wine and all i can think is if tha fine wine's good enough to gargle ma mouth with in the mornin.

2007-05-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

milky way, show me the way... remember this ad of Nestle Milky Way bar?

wish i had eaten a lot of those when i was small. may have found my way by now...

2007-05-17T01:50:00.000-07:00

possible mentors i can think of:
international head of my company - mr. d... think he is brilliant and grounded. it takes enormous strength of character to remain on earth while really you can let it all get to your head.
strange can't think of anyone else...
i enormously enjoy tough people who have the fucking guts to be who they are and say it as is... then there are the pretenders. some are absolutely brilliant. but it's possible to defeat them at their own game. that's assuming they need to be defeated.

prattle

2007-05-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

another brush with leering men on bikes. i refuse to take it sitting down anymore. giving as good as i get. scare the fucking bile out of them. helps to have a vehicle that's heavier n bigger than their two wheeler. it however still leaves me angry n shaken

*****
the theory of two becoming one is another tickle my armpit theory. like tearing on oprah is equivalent to catharsis. bull. we live n try to live by our truths, falsetto though it may be to others. it only takes one day at a time.

*****
head feels like a damn bazooka with a stuck shell. will soon implode