"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."

This time around,

how transcendental will it to break a chronic habit of not valuing oneself enough? i guess it will be much like a slight tectonic movement at the core. something that will bring about momentous changes. look at me - i can't stop dispensing the adjectives in just contemplation of it.

but truth to tell, chronic habits are hard to break, especially if you have spent 30 years nurturing them. it's hard; hurting you at all times. that naysayer within you making it worse. nevertheless, am grateful for this perspective.

though it comes at a certain cost. the possibility of losing a dream thanks to my vague assumptions which didn't take realistic commitments into account. i let all extraneous factors sway me while what mattered the most to me got sidelined. again that chronic habit of not standing up for my needs, desires & ambitions. how good is the greater good if i can't be good to me? if i can't learn to stand up for myself then i should stop with this hypocrisy of fighting for 'what matters'.

gah! angst & more angst,
but, but ...
i am a glorious creation

indians are a fixated or frustrated lot. sexually speaking that is. there can't be no other reason to the constant attention i feel subjected to in my everyday interactions. as if i were walking in my bikini on the roads of bangalore!

72,000 dead in Haiti. I just can't comprehend this! This is not even the final count... people continue to die. some are still trapped under mounds of rubble. some were rescued only to later die slowly from lack of medical care. the aid that is coming through is just not enough or is hijacked by gangs. no basic amenities, no water, no food, no shelter...

at times like these, i can't help but wonder at how cruel life really is. one part of this earth is reeling from a disaster whose magnitude doesn't find any comparisons. but life everywhere else is impervious, untouched. they may be aware, but the pain is not theirs to understand. i guess it is the same of misery anywhere. none but those who suffer know what it is to go through it... Guess, the rest of us can only lend help that may alleviate their suffering somewhat...