how transcendental will it to break a chronic habit of not valuing oneself enough? i guess it will be much like a slight tectonic movement at the core. something that will bring about momentous changes. look at me - i can't stop dispensing the adjectives in just contemplation of it.

but truth to tell, chronic habits are hard to break, especially if you have spent 30 years nurturing them. it's hard; hurting you at all times. that naysayer within you making it worse. nevertheless, am grateful for this perspective.

though it comes at a certain cost. the possibility of losing a dream thanks to my vague assumptions which didn't take realistic commitments into account. i let all extraneous factors sway me while what mattered the most to me got sidelined. again that chronic habit of not standing up for my needs, desires & ambitions. how good is the greater good if i can't be good to me? if i can't learn to stand up for myself then i should stop with this hypocrisy of fighting for 'what matters'.

gah! angst & more angst,
but, but ...
i am a glorious creation