Monday, March 29, 2010
how transcendental will it to break a chronic habit of not valuing oneself enough? i guess it will be much like a slight tectonic movement at the core. something that will bring about momentous changes. look at me - i can't stop dispensing the adjectives in just contemplation of it.
but truth to tell, chronic habits are hard to break, especially if you have spent 30 years nurturing them. it's hard; hurting you at all times. that naysayer within you making it worse. nevertheless, am grateful for this perspective.
though it comes at a certain cost. the possibility of losing a dream thanks to my vague assumptions which didn't take realistic commitments into account. i let all extraneous factors sway me while what mattered the most to me got sidelined. again that chronic habit of not standing up for my needs, desires & ambitions. how good is the greater good if i can't be good to me? if i can't learn to stand up for myself then i should stop with this hypocrisy of fighting for 'what matters'.
gah! angst & more angst,
but, but ...
i am a glorious creation
Love after Love
Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.